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It Happened, That Was It

In general I have a hard time crossing stuff off of my Life Experience List. Stuff like – get engaged, get married, have your first kid, etc. those things I have a hard time saying “Done! Old news!” … I so prefer to live in the before, where every possibility is still… possible. When it happens I am happy, and then afterwards I feel loss. It’s done, it’s over, no more what-ifs, that was it. It happened.

So now I’m done having kids. It happened, that was it, those were my experiences. No more daydreaming. This is my family. And that feels good, it feels solid, but it also feels sad.

There is a different kind of loss I find myself struggling with. As much as I love, absolutely adore my daughter, I very much miss the time when it was just the 3 of us vs the 4 of us. That time is over. It was a period of time in my life and now that period of time is done. And I am mourning it. I miss being able to spend all of my extra attention on Gabriel. I miss the ease of just having 1. I miss the closeness I felt with him that has now changed. And there is sadness in that.

These feelings are hard because I don’t want to have them. I wanted to give birth to Fae and feel an overwhelming calmness that all my people had arrived. Deep breath, assess my kingdom, ah yes all is well. But that’s not how I feel. I feel stretched thin and conflicted. I love my children, I love seeing them interact, and I know that will only grow, but that’s not the whole story.

I miss what was. I am mourning a bit the fact that this is it, that was that, the experiences have been experienced and it was what it was for better or worse.

I know, too, that there will be many more feels like this. When my kids become…. actual kids, when our relationship changes again and then again and again. Nothing stays the same, we are always evolving or we … don’t. Which is definitely worse than the growing pains and the bits of loss.

Right now I am untethered and floating. I am surviving. I am moving forward one foot in front of the other, getting through the morning routine, getting through the days home alone with Fae, getting through dinner and bed time routines, all while trying to cherish them and be in the moment, all while exhausted, all while trying to give of myself to my kids, to my spouse, to my people, and give of myself to… myself. I’m running low on self and I miss old me, I miss our family of three, regardless of how much I adore our fourth member. It is what it is.

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One Month Postpartum

I wish that I could report back that 1 month postpartum I feel amazing. But I do not feel amazing. I feel smelly and sweaty and awkward and sore. I feel disconnected to what is actually happening in and around my vagina. Why does it still hurt? Why does it feel chafed? Is my second degree tear healing well? Will I ever stop feeling like I always have to pee? Will I ever stop having the unpredictable post pee dribble? Will it ever feel comfortable to poop ever again? These questions and more – I do not know the answers to. My boobs, for realies, could smother and kill my baby they are so big and unwieldy. But for some unknown reason...

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Fae @ 1 month

Fae is 1 month old today! I really love her an immense amount. I often call her Faebelina like Thumbelina but different. The family nickname for her is Birdie because she chirps and pecks like a bird, she is covered in downy fluffy hair, and she honks like a lovable goose. She mostly still sleeps but has gotten more and more alert in the last week and a half. She spends a period of time in the afternoon and the evening fairly alert, mostly calm but sometimes fussy. She eats a lot. More than I remember Gabe eating, but when I look back at my Sprout App and all of the newborn statistics, it looks to be about the same, maybe 1-2 feeding...

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Cord Blood Donation

July was Cord Blood Donation Awareness Month! I had plans to take a picture of my thank you note from Bloodworks Northwest and talk about my experience last week, but here it is now early August (IT IS AUGUST?!) and I missed the awareness month. But I’m still going to talk about it. Donating cord blood is something I wanted to do with Gabriel, but the hospital I delivered at didn’t have the facilities for it, so I double-triple-checked that I could with Fae and am so happy we did! During the hospital tour I asked about the process and they handed me over a packet of information and a large survey to be filled out and handed over...

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Where Am I?

The day after I gave birth I had this moment of panic about needing to immediately start job hunting. I need a job, like NOW. My brain was in manic get-back-to-it mode and thank god in that moment I was in a hospital bed and not anywhere near a computer. First of all, maternity leave. Second of all, I don’t fit into any of my clothes yet. How would I even go to a job interview? Oh please disregard my leaking breasts and the fact that these trousers are unbuttoned, I just had a baby. I definitely need a minute to sort myself out before I go trying to convince other people to pay me money for my savvy professional writing skills. But the...

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Fae Was Born, Part 2

*Warning, some of this post is gross. If you would rather not, here is your out.  So, yay! We made a baby! And it was not the greatest most epic experience of my life, but it was over and that was pretty great too. About two hours after delivery the hospital policy is to move you to a recovery room. At this point it was 5-ish AM, my epidural had not worn off and I couldn’t totally lift my left leg on my own. My nurse had me scoot to the edge of the bed and swing my legs over. I sat there for a little bit, feeling woozy and shaky. You know – I had just pushed a baby out of myself, I was bleeding a lot, I had actually been awake...

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Who the hell is she?


Lauren

Seattle/Writer/Adventurer/Married to Kamel/Maker of many mistakes/Mom of 1 Gabriel and 1 TBD/Baker of things/Roaster of Vegetables/Maker of videos/Normal life photographer/Romantic/Irreverent/Honest

If you would like to chat with me or see what else I'm up to you can follow me on Twitter (betterinrealife), on facebook, or email me at betterinrealife at gmail.


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